Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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