I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
