if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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