He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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