cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
