So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
