Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
