I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
there was a trapeze. enough said
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
