My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
