I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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