Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I wish I only lived at night.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
