Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
