I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
