hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
