yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
