mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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