from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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