her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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