Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
