Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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