I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
