i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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