Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
