You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He has the fingertips of a God
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