i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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