two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
