I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
