Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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