I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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