this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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