I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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