I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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