She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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