Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
