you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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