Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I didn't shave. On purpose
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
