y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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