she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
