We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
