Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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