I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
