Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
