I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
