Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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