My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
