you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
