there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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