Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
