So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
