When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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