my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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